Ho Ho Ho Humbug

I made it through another first. The first Jackson family Christmas shindig since Rick died was last Saturday at Angie and Ryan's house. The house was beautifully decorated and the tree was standing tall in the corner complete with ornaments and lights and a ton of presents under its branches for the children. The presents were ripped open with glee and paper and bows were flying through the air......that was all normal. What was not normal was being without our Santa. He was the man in the Bah Humbug Santa hat that handed out the presents in years past and watched with delight as his grandchildren destroyed the house as they opened all their gifts. I think that I was possibly in denial during the evening get together. Denial was much easier with Ricky and Beth and Bradley and Ella not there and Chad not being there either. It was easy enough for me to picture Ricky and his dad sitting at the restaurant throwing back a few beers before plunging into their Christmas Shopping! They were simply late and had forgotten the time and had asked Chad to join them. Yes, that made it easier somehow.
De NILE is not just the name of a river. Sometimes it is how we get through the day or week or season.

Mine was a short trip to Louisiana but I was fortunate enough to get to see my two granddaughters, Delaney and Madelyn, perform in a production of "Babes in Toyland" at the Young Actors Theatre in Slidell. They were so precious. On Sunday I got to enjoy the "Saints" football win with Jason, Mandy, Fe'de and Glen at Clay and Monique's house. The brats were great! Sunday night I spent with Keri and Chad and the boys and Jake. It is always fun for me to get to spend the night in the camper. Monday I went with Keri and Chad to check out their new property purchase in Central. Very Cool.

I got back home on Tuesday night and have unpacked, done laundry and tomorrow I will repack for the second phase of Christmas with family. I will drive to Arkansas on Saturday for our annual gift exchange and dinner with my mom and my cousins and aunt and uncle on Christmas Eve. I am not sure how long I will stay I can't really say I am excited about these holidays because they are painful but I am excited about seeing mom and my family. How long I stay depends on the weather since my expert driver is gone.

Someday I will learn how to insert pictures and music into my blogs and maybe then they won't seem so depressing. I am planning to learn a lot of new stuff in 2008. I now have a new laptop so that will inspire me ;-)

Love to all of you and your families during this Christmas Season!

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

Today is December 11, 2007. It is yet another first that the kids and I have to get through. This is the first December 11th that I have to look to the heavens to say "Happy Birthday Sweetheart". I have no doubt that on this day for the rest of my life I will repeat this gesture.
Today was a beautiful day that started out with me calling my son, Jason, and wishing him a happy birthday. He turned 34 today and I am so proud of the man he has become. I wish I could have hugged him today and made him a cake or something but he is in Houston and I'm not.
My friend, Glenda, asked me to go with her and a group of friends on a road trip today. It was unseasonably warm and gorgeous outside (75 degrees.) Our destination was "The Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament of Our Lady of the Angels Monastery" in Hanceville, Alabama. I felt such a quiet peacefulness come over me as we walked over the grounds. Maybe it was the stillness of the countryside and the absence of cell phones ringing, radios blaring, and the hustle and bustle of everyday life lost in the sound of wind blowing and birds singing. I lit a candle for Rick and said a prayer for strength to go on without him. I miss him so much. Cancer just Sucks.

As I am getting ready for the trip to Louisiana for Christmas with the kids I can just hear Rick say, "How much more crap do you think will fit under that tree?" "I think Kohl's is having a sale...SURELY you need something else for those grandchildren" and then he would grin. I am almost positive I heard him whisper in my ear while I was doing my retail therapy, "Honey, I think you NEED to buy that robe for yourself to keep you warm". (I never could argue with that man!)
I bought the robe.

No more offers on the house yet. It has been shown a few times in the past few days and apparently there are people still out there looking for a house like this one. I will keep you posted if anything develops. I am awaiting results on another Radon test to compare it to the first one to see if I need to take any action or if there even is a problem. Meanwhile I am enjoying my Christmas tree and outside lights. It was a struggle but I got them up and working. The whole neighborhood is lit up for the holidays. It all looks so nice for the holidays. Just one thing missing........

LIFE'S A BEACH

I'm officially back from the beach now for two days and miss the sound of the waves. I love the beach! Rick loved the beach! It is such a peaceful tranquil place full of sunrises and sunsets, seafood and sea shells. The beach reminds me of so many wonderful walks on that sand with my soul mate. This time, I'll admit, I looked for his footprints next to mine cause I know he was there. I strained to see him through the mist and fog, or was it a vail of tears? There is no doubt that he had that PoPs smile while he watched his grandkids run amuck as pirates digging for treasure. We rarely spoke of him outloud during our week together because it was too painful I think. We did however, wear his favorite shirts, pants, drink his favorite beverages (cold), root for his favorite team (LSU)and he was on our mind. I'm sure he especially enjoyed the Thanksgiving prayers given by Nicholas and also Madelyn. We are so blessed to have such a great family and it was so much fun to be able to be all together again. I miss them all now that I am back home. It is so quiet and no one needs to eat, drink, poop, pee, nap, wake up, shower, play guitar hero/xbox/playstation, go swim, and then start the cycle over. It IS quiet here.

I have no more updates on the house. I am running another Radon test as we speak to get a second reading. I will keep you posted.

NO DEAL

I got the official word finally yesterday that the potential buyers decided not to buy our house. After careful consideration I think it is a good thing. This house needs love and laughter to once again echo through the rooms. It needs little ones to scatter toys around and a swing in the back yard. Yes, definitely, this house was a house overflowing with love and it hopefully will be that way again in time. I pray that the right family will come (oh yeah, and will have their financing already in order...ha ha) Maybe it just wasn't quite time to leave the house full of memories. I am fully aware that the top drawer of the dresser still holds my love's wallet, work badge, planner, etc. His bathroom cabinet is still fully loaded with all his stuff, untouched now for 6 months, except for an occasional hit on his aftershave bottle by me. His toothbrush is still in the holder. So yeah, maybe I'm not quite ready to pack it all up and move on. I know I am headed in that direction and I know I will get there but it's just not today. AND I am okay with that.

Marching in Place

Its Wednesday now and I was really waiting for some actual news to post but I guess I could just update. Since my last post I got the results of the home inspection done on Friday. It came back good with just a couple of things to change. I need to extend the gutters out away from the house so that the rain (hello...we are in a severe drought - don't even remember rain) doesn't pool around the foundation of the house. The other item is placing a 2 x 4 board under the step down into the garage to stabilize it. I am going to strap on my tool belt and get right to those items. Okay, I may beg a neighbor's husband ;-). So that part of the countdown to closing went better than expected. And then there was the RADON test. They set up the kit on Wed and read it on Friday. The buyers had written into the offer that the test results had to come in at the average EPA level or below. I thought, "No Problem - it's a new house" and all the time wondering what RADON was. (this probably has been a question on "Are you smarter than a 5th grader" - actually...NO.) The radon results came in at a whopping 6 whereas the average is 4. PROBLEM. I knew there was something wrong when my realtor said she had to drive out to talk with me and arrived almost in tears.

Alex - may I have RADON for $100?

RADON, the odorless, colorless, gas coming up from the ground was being sucked up into my house like a vacuum and not venting out. It is the second most cause of lung cancer and really ups the ante if you are a smoker or have been in the past. The other interesting fact I found was that Limestone County and most of Northern Alabama is in a RED zone indicating a high possibility that the s**t is in the ground. However the builders are not required to test the house before selling or even have a public service announcement that says "All of y'all that are from outta town need to know this - RADON is nasty and might be in your neighborhood". Okay, I know that I am rambling now. My first mission was to alert all my neighbors and tell them to test their homes. If anything good is to come of this - that might just be it - keeping them safe.

Back to the house sell. The mitigation, or fixing of the problem, will cost under $2000 I think and of course I will do it (even if only my cats live here). I don't know when or who or how. The buyers had initially said that if I did this and it was retested they still wanted the house. That was Saturday. On Monday I hadn't heard anything so I called my realtor and left a message. She returned my call late Monday afternoon and said that the other agent was pretty sure that the buyers were backing out. the wife said no deal and the husband was upset since he wanted the house. Last word was that they were not speaking. I don't think my neighbors need these people to move in anyway. Jerks I have not received a formal withdrawal of the offer yet and I think I have to be presented this and sign it.

I decided not to worry about it all and concentrate on our upcoming Back to the Beach Retreat. All the kids, wives, husbands, girlfriends, grandkids, etc and me...on the beach for a week. Priceless. This is the good stuff. Only ONE thing missing and he will be there in spirit. I will post pictures or at least someone will...ha ha

SOLD!

Yikes! I actually received an offer on the house yesterday and accepted it. That means, providing the home inspection being done on Friday is okay, I will have to be outta here by November 30th. Now where will I put that Christmas Tree????



Scary? Yep, just a bit. I mean, I knew that having a sign in the yard and a realtor, etc. meant that selling it was possible. I just had gotten used to the idea that the housing market was in the toilet and I would be planting a garden in our back yard next Spring. So ya see, I am sort of in denial (again). Now I have to have a plan. Okay, I dont actually have to have one today so I will think about that tomorrow maybe. ;-) The Jackson Way ;-D (GOD I miss that man!)



All I had been planning was our Retreat to the Beach Repeat on Nov 17-25th. I am so looking forward to being with ALL the kids and ALL the grandchildren at one time. These are memories to treasure and experiences to savor. It gets me through the hard times.



So now I will sort and stuff and pack and give away and fill up the new Climate Controlled Storage Building I am going to get just down the road. I think the terms "eliminate" and then "recreate" are going to be used a lot. I am pretty spoiled (I'm sure you all agree) and I am used to someone just showing up, packing it up and unpacking it when we got there. The only thing constant here will be change ;-) and I'm sure with my friends here and God's help, we will git er done.

Day 173

Today is day 173.
In 5 days I will have survived 6 months without Rick, my precious, wonderful, loving, fun, compassionate, incredible husband of 12 years. His death was welcome to free him from the unrelenting betrayal and deterioration of his physical body. His attitude and courage were amazing as he fought the cancer for just one more sunrise and sunset within the circle of love of his family.

The pain is still raw and jagged and cuts deep. You can never prepare for the loss of such a special person in your life. I would have gladly taken on his pain but that isn't the way it works. What we want, what we need to happen so desperately, is sometimes not part of the plan.

So, what I will try to focus on my journey ahead. I no longer have days that are all bad and actually have some days that are all good. I know I am moving forward even though a song or smell can easily evoke tears. The tears come from such wonderful memories of my life with Rick. I feel his spirit near me at times and I know that love is eternal and that we will all be together again. Sometimes that gives me peace and then sometimes it still just sucks cause it's not enough.

Please don't feel sorry for me - for I am incredibly blessed. I had the best of everything he had to give and was loved so much. This wonderful love has branched out to include his children and now his grandchildren. I will celebrate his memory every day - together with his children, their spouses and their children.