Day 173

Today is day 173.
In 5 days I will have survived 6 months without Rick, my precious, wonderful, loving, fun, compassionate, incredible husband of 12 years. His death was welcome to free him from the unrelenting betrayal and deterioration of his physical body. His attitude and courage were amazing as he fought the cancer for just one more sunrise and sunset within the circle of love of his family.

The pain is still raw and jagged and cuts deep. You can never prepare for the loss of such a special person in your life. I would have gladly taken on his pain but that isn't the way it works. What we want, what we need to happen so desperately, is sometimes not part of the plan.

So, what I will try to focus on my journey ahead. I no longer have days that are all bad and actually have some days that are all good. I know I am moving forward even though a song or smell can easily evoke tears. The tears come from such wonderful memories of my life with Rick. I feel his spirit near me at times and I know that love is eternal and that we will all be together again. Sometimes that gives me peace and then sometimes it still just sucks cause it's not enough.

Please don't feel sorry for me - for I am incredibly blessed. I had the best of everything he had to give and was loved so much. This wonderful love has branched out to include his children and now his grandchildren. I will celebrate his memory every day - together with his children, their spouses and their children.